I am the Queen of Rancor and Repression

Everything I've ever done in my life is to make others think well of me. I never particularly wanted to be a university lecturer or make big money or be a professional musician. I just wanted those things because those are things that "normals" understand and respect - or, perhaps, things that even my oafish stepfather would have understood - and I just didn't want people to look down on me and consider me worthless like they did for most of my life. Because I have never learned how to actually value myself in my own terms - I value myself by how much others value me, which is never enough.

The word which has chased me all my life is self-indulgent - that chasing my own visions and desires is shameful and slightly disgusting, on the level of public masturbation. (And don't ask about the sexualised undertones of that discourse.) I have gotten really good at repressing and hiding what I want, to please and impress others. But it's never been enough to prevent me considering myself worthless.

My life is wonderful at so many subjective levels - I earn my living self-employed doing intellectually challenging work I enjoy, I am engaged to be married to the most wonderful <strike>bag full of gremlins called Batman</strike> woman on the planet, I have my health and a nice place to live and a delightful cat. But I can't point to anything in my life which would have made my stepfather or my grandmother - probably my internal guide for "what normal people are like" - think I was worth anything. A PhD, articles in communist newspapers and a couple of albums with a total sale of under 100 don't count. So I don't feel I'm worth anything.