We are strongest in the places we were hurt

I have had a lifelong habit of sinking into depression because I realised that my upbringing (to be absolutely blunt, the most classic case of "square peg in round hole" that could be imagined) had left me bereft of self-confidence or a set of behaviours which would enable me to function properly in the real world. One of the big issues there was a family and a school system which relentlessly concentrated in the ways that I was different and the things I had problems coping with, rather than my talents and strengths.

But the strength this has given me is - I don't need riches, or anything other than a bed to sleep on, a fridge full of groceries, an electric heater, a couple of cheap computers and synthesisers and a broadband connection, to carry out my plans for this world. I don't need to be "respected in society". I don't need tons and tons of friends. I am a lot freer, and I have a lot more choices, than people who have more invested in the World As It Is.

It's a good thing that I didn't end up with an academic career, or in a mainstream political party, or a band which sold big records. I went to school with the bass player from Shihad, and I remember an interview with that band's lead singer where he talked of the horror of having to play gigs in the US in 2003 which were recruiting for the military to go and shoot Arabs. I've never had to give up my integrity. So perhaps I can start intervening in the world in a way which is consonant with that integrity - rather than hiding from it to try to preserve myself.

I really hope I am finally arriving at a place where I realise that I don't need anyone's approval to be able to survive and be happy.