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Things I wish people knew about me
Sep. 19th, 2010 11:12 am1) Social interaction does not come naturally to me. I really should get it clinically checked out whether I'm somewhere up the normal end of the autistic spectrum. So, in general: if I'm doing things that seem rude or clunky or just "off" somehow, generally I am trying to fit in and not freak you out on purpose.
2) I was bullied rather severely all through school and got no acceptance at home either. I had a lifetime of attempting to reach out to people, and either scaring people or provoking more bullying, because I had no clue how to do it right. So eventually I gave up and adopted a "safety first" policy. This may well come across as aloofness, disinterest or even dislike of other people. This is not actually the case. I do want to make friends.
3) I will probably not look you in the eye. Eye contact gives me a panic reaction and I can usually only do it with my very close friends. But, if I am continuing to talk with you, it means I am interested and keen to keep the conversation going. (If I do want you to go away, I will stop talking.)
4) I get freaked out by the question "how are you?" My natural inclination is to respond with a run-down of everything important that's happened in the last 24 hours. This doesn't seem to be what people either want or expect. They expect me to say "fine, thanks", I assume. This is "phatic communication" - talking for the sake of it, not to exchange information, but just as a social glue. I do not like or feel comfortable doing this. I will make an effort, but it's not natural to me.
5) One inhibitor on my social interaction is that I know that there are certain things I can't handle. One of them is people being casually mean or dismissive against some minority group. We all know that it's not okay to be racist, sexist or homophobic in polite company - but I have difficulty controlling my anger if people go on to be similarly mean, contemptuous or aggressive about - say - fat people or people of a particular faith. (One of those I used to be, and probably will be again one day; the other I have empathy for, as I have a faith myself, if a hybrid and unorthodox one.)
6) Don't pigeonhole me. Just because you've only known me to date girls doesn't mean I am "a lesbian", as that category appears in your mind. Don't talk to me like you think you already know everything about me you need to know from a couple of snippets of information. Don't assume I am a middle-class secular liberal just like you.
7) If I like you, I will be very scared to let you know for fear of rejection. If I - for example - invite you to something, or ask to come to something you're organised, I am taking a huge risk by my own lights. If you feel you have to decline, please do so gently.
2) I was bullied rather severely all through school and got no acceptance at home either. I had a lifetime of attempting to reach out to people, and either scaring people or provoking more bullying, because I had no clue how to do it right. So eventually I gave up and adopted a "safety first" policy. This may well come across as aloofness, disinterest or even dislike of other people. This is not actually the case. I do want to make friends.
3) I will probably not look you in the eye. Eye contact gives me a panic reaction and I can usually only do it with my very close friends. But, if I am continuing to talk with you, it means I am interested and keen to keep the conversation going. (If I do want you to go away, I will stop talking.)
4) I get freaked out by the question "how are you?" My natural inclination is to respond with a run-down of everything important that's happened in the last 24 hours. This doesn't seem to be what people either want or expect. They expect me to say "fine, thanks", I assume. This is "phatic communication" - talking for the sake of it, not to exchange information, but just as a social glue. I do not like or feel comfortable doing this. I will make an effort, but it's not natural to me.
5) One inhibitor on my social interaction is that I know that there are certain things I can't handle. One of them is people being casually mean or dismissive against some minority group. We all know that it's not okay to be racist, sexist or homophobic in polite company - but I have difficulty controlling my anger if people go on to be similarly mean, contemptuous or aggressive about - say - fat people or people of a particular faith. (One of those I used to be, and probably will be again one day; the other I have empathy for, as I have a faith myself, if a hybrid and unorthodox one.)
6) Don't pigeonhole me. Just because you've only known me to date girls doesn't mean I am "a lesbian", as that category appears in your mind. Don't talk to me like you think you already know everything about me you need to know from a couple of snippets of information. Don't assume I am a middle-class secular liberal just like you.
7) If I like you, I will be very scared to let you know for fear of rejection. If I - for example - invite you to something, or ask to come to something you're organised, I am taking a huge risk by my own lights. If you feel you have to decline, please do so gently.